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Welcome just two weeks until the election and I'm going to say this I don't like it we've officially entered into the fever dream portion of the campaign right is left Up Is Down the Republican nominee is hanging out in a bronx barber shop and the Democratic nominee is hosting some sort of book club with Liz Cheney what the that's a Cheney what are you doing with a Cheney not allowed to hang out with a Cheney they Marvel you're DC you can't be in the same movie it's a rights issue and no one likes them and here's the worst part the chenes have somehow synced up their circuitry directly to the Madam vice president like right at the same time they they move as one it is so surreal this campaign cannot get any weirder hello everybody my first day at McDonald's I'm looking for a job so if you don't mind I want to work the French fry counter give him the job I implore you I don't I don't care if his references don't shake out save democracy give him the job now con Harris is out there sweating the details over her new opportunity economy Trump's just out there farting around I love Soul wait a minute I spilled some just I'm very superstitious you take it for granted you say give me French fries I'll never forget this experience I always figured somebody stuffs them in with their hand and I don't like that and they don't do it that way they you never touch them it's really [Applause] great you Forest Gump what are we talking about her for decades that you've been eating at McDonald's you thought the fries come out of the boiling oil and the workers making that sweet sweet 425 an hour just reach in and [Applause] go just with their hands well you think that's how the burgers get flipped ah oh God someone ordered ice cream oh [Applause] that's this whole campaign right now a Maria dance party I'm going to deport everybody football tailgate blame the Jews if I lose McDonald's drive-thru he's out there having the time of his life and the poor sweet media oh poor sweet media they know they're mad they're just not exactly sure which thing they should be madest about anymore but I can tell you one thing media it probably shouldn't be the McDonald's thing this was entirely stag there was a fake customer yes he is so inept at pretending to be a real person that he really literally cannot operate the fry machine as a normal worker because he would be incapable of doing [Applause] so what a what a pleasant Counterpoint look I'm all for criticizing Donald Trump but I got to tell you I also don't know how to work the frier in McDonald's and would be incapable of doing so but we're at that point of the campaign it's a fever pitch we can no longer discern the noise from the signal we've lost the ability to understand what level of outrage to even demonstrate which brings us to this weekend where the absurdity outrage Cy reached its apex at a trump campaign in Pennsylvania I'm going to tell him the real story of Arnold but Arnold Palmer was all man and I say that in all due respect to women and I love women but this guy this guy this is a guy that was all man this man was strong and tough and I refused to say it but when he took showers with the Pros they came out of there they said oh my God that's unbelievable I want to Arnold Palmer so bad I want to [Applause] [Music] oh first of all I'm not here to fact check the former president but Arnold Palmer wasn't all man he was half man half lemonade now if I make none of that is true but it is true apparently every time Arnold Palmer came out of the shower the other golfers were like talk about a dog leg that is a par wow you're going to need a caddy [Applause] feel but the question ladies and gentlemen is not whether or not arold Palmer is being fitted for the green jacket it's whether the media will performatively take the bait this was not just crude and obscene but it was completely inappropriate vulgar lwd this is not presidential is this really the closing message you want voters to hear from Donald Trump stories about Arnold Palmer's penis not one not three but 10 minutes talking about another man's genitalia [Applause] [Applause] it's very serious I apologize that's what is the appropriate amount of time three minutes I can understand 10 minutes it's a you problem but I do get there is a double standarded player you imagine if KLA Harris held a rally and like Billy Jean King her vagina wow she'd come out of the shower and all the other tennis players would shout hello hello [Applause] hello ask your parents that would be Madness but for Trump this was actually one of his milder genital rants this was kind of his kids bop genitals rant classy body pop positive he was complimenting somebody else I don't know why we have to parse everything that this guy says so sternly we have two enemies we have the outside enemy and then we have the enemy from within and the enemy from within in my opinion is more dangerous than China Russia and all these countries hey who wants fries on we have some very bad people we have some sick people radical left lunatics and I think they're the and and it should be very easily handled by if necessary by national God or if really necessary by the military you you're not fun at all that's not fun loving and mischievous it sounded quite threatening that's actually worthy of some real examination and all the Republicans who have talked about having fun at Trump rallies I'm sure they'd Express concerns about this type of rhetoric what I want to just make very clear is that it's my belief that what uh former president Trump is talking about are the people that are coming over the border that in fact are committing crimes that are bringing drugs that are trafficking humans that is what I believe the president is referring to I don't think that he's referring to elected people in in in in America oh all right good because I okay okay cuz I was was worried because it did sound bad the way that that he had said it I probably wasn't thinking clearly you know but just to make sure that that is what he meant let's give the former president himself a chance to clear up that he's really talking about drug and Human traffickers coming across the border and obviously not elected officials Adam Shifty Schiff who's a total SLE bag is going to become a senator but I call him the enemy from within but just just Shifty shift right and it is the enemy from within and they're very dangerous the more difficult are you know the Pelos these people they're so sick and they're so evil are you out of your mind the former speaker of the house is the Enemy Within well I bet Donald Trump is about to get an earful from the current Speaker of the House who will despite his support of Donald Trump still have the courage to I'm kidding just roll it when he's talking about is marauding gangs of dangerous violent people who are destroying public [Music] property I yes Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi famous kappos in the Salvadoran gang Ms NBC where's the We the People Constitution first outrage here he's talking about treading on you you always wav the don't tread on me flag this is treading you are a decorated veteran how would you feel about deploying against Adam Schiff well I don't think that's what he said John I think you're connecting some some dots there it's exactly what he said not dots words we're connecting words through the ear holes with the listening that's what he said I understand the powerful pull of partisanship but for my owning sanity can I get one Republican to at least acknowledge that Trump said the thing that he is repeatedly saying look Trump speaks in hyperbole this is nothing new he's not talking about attacking using the military to attack people who disagree with him politically or anything like that he is literally saying that he is literally saying that what are you talking about literally he is saying the enemy within like Shifty shift and Pelosi you can't just pretend that he's talking about something else God this is what gets us to the ultimate problem which is this is any of the Trump says real how are we supposed to understand what's and what isn't KLA Harris she's got to have an 80-page presentation on exactly how this opportunity econom is going to function and how it's going to be paid for meanwhile the standard for Trump is emotional vicinity apparently it doesn't actually matter if the things he says are true and if you try and dig down on the Li he only gets lier when you said you know it's gone viral they they're eating the dogs they're eating the cats you say you just reporting what had been said but why not say now well look that turned out not to be true I I don't know if it's true or not true I read something the pets you don't know if it's true or not true it's been debunked by local official what about the goose the geese what about the geese what happened there they were all [Applause] missing you won what about the geese they were everywhere during the summer but now now that it's cold and by the way to all the Republican officials who seem very confident that Trump isn't being serious when talking about Extreme Measures to defeat his enemies he's already tried it remember that day he tried to overthrow the government and know it didn't work but attempted murder isn't the same thing as never tried the murder so we are left with this surreal idea that somehow Trump's absurdity renders him benign we dismiss his threats because of how much fun he has expounding on the length width and girth of Arnold Palmer's [Applause] if only there was one dystopian moment from this past weekend that encapsulates this potent tincture of clownish campaigning mixed with authoritarian forboding because I know shorter Clips do better on the Tik Tok give me oh I don't know a man in an apron at a drive-through window thoughtfully considering whether or not to Future coup talking to reporters Trump was asked about accepting the 2024 election results either way will you accept the results of the election yeah sure it's a fair election always I would always accept it if it's it's got to be a fair election first of all how dare this reporter brazenly violate the no walking through a drive-through R and second how the is Donald Trump in a McDonald's apron in the window of the fast food restaurant talking about whether or not he'll overturn the popular vote real life how is this real did we all die during [Applause] Co and is this some strange sural Purgatory or maybe AI has already sucked up the sum total of human achievement and Endeavors and what we're all experiencing are merely the crumbs and detritus of human existence that AI thought was just too weird to vacuum up or maybe it's a dream maybe I'm in your dream or you're in my dream I just I have to wake myself up I wake up John wake wake up wake up oh my God it's just the weirdest dream Donald Trump was dancing on stage at a Maria just swaying then he was making fries in McDonald's and running for president I mean honey that's TR they're eating the dogs they're eating the cats no [Applause] [Music]
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